Monday, April 1, 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Rick Perry Caves on Obamacare


Governor Rick Perry reverses position on Medicaid Expansion

Abe Rill Phuelez
April, 1st 2013

Austin, TX -- Citing a need to 'embrace political moderation' and fear of 'being called mean by Democrats,' Texas Governor Rick Perry today reversed his position on expanding Medicaid under the 2010 Federal Health Care Law.

"In 2012, Mitt Romney decisively won independents and the results speak for themselves.  Texans should embrace political moderation to achieve similar results," Perry said.  "As Governor, I fear being called mean by Democrats so much that I would rather expand a bankrupt Medicaid program."

Medicaid expansion will split Texas Republicans.  Representative David Simpson and Senator Donna Campbell issued a joint statement calling the move 'heartbreaking and inexplicable.'  Texas House Speaker Joe Straus, by contrast, hailed Perry's decision as "the best news I've heard all session."

Battleground Texas Reacts

Jeremy Bird, President Obama's handpicked choice to rebuild Texas Democrats, echoed Straus' sentiments.

"Battleground Texas is ecstatic Governor Perry has joined the tradition of former Virginia state senator John Chichester and former Colorado Governor Bill Owens by preemptively expanding government" said Bird. "As we recently made clear, Battleground Texas does not yet posses the resources we need to win.  Medicaid expansion is the taxpayer financed slush fund of Battleground Texas' dreams."

Former George W. Bush speechwriter Mark McKinnon called the move 'a strategic milestone' for Democrats.  "The long-term objective of the Democrat party is subvert traditional American virtues of individual sovereignty and self-reliance and to replace them with a spirit of fear and dependence on Caesar.  Any system that traps another million souls in a substandard health-care system is a slam dunk win for Texas Democrats."

Julian Castro salivates

San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro, the political figure most widely expected to benefit from Medicaid expansion, issued the following statement:

"I am delighted Governor Perry chose to reject common-sense Medicaid reforms like Federal block granting in favor of the mother of all payola schemes for Texas Democrats.  Socialized medicine will allow me to establish a protection racket for a statewide run in a way that felony corporate contributions never could.  Medicaid expansion will be Julian Castro's personal Tammany Hall.

Tea Party activists were too busy fighting among themselves to comment.